Other pieces of furniture in my home are not immune to some misuse, even the few 26)regal pieces cannot claim to feeling treated like royalty. Therefore, without offending the bed, this is my 27)blanket apology to all the household furnishings.
With that said, I will try to make amends through providing a bit of overdue 28)pampering. I will buy some Murphy’s Oil Soap for the wood furniture and rent a carpet cleaner with 29)upholstery attachments so the couch and chairs can soak away some of their 30)cares and feel 31)rejuvenated for another round of life within this household.
I do not think you realize just how important you all are to me! Without your presence in my home, I would not have a surface for the lamp that lights up the room and shows off the pictures on my walls. I would not have a resting spot for the TV we 32)congregate around to watch favorite shows together. I would not have had a 33)soothing rocking motion to help ease a fevered child’s discomfort nor a comfortable place to rest my weary bones at night. I may not always show it, but I do appreciate your valuable yet unique contributions to the household.
34)Humbly Yours,
Carol
P.S. And carpeting, since you provide a place for the furniture to rest upon, do not fear! I rea-lize you have endured a bit yourself and so I will spring for another container of cleaning solution—just for you.
親愛(ài)的家具們：
我寫(xiě)這封信是為你們自從來(lái)到我們家后所經(jīng)受的虐待道歉。你們當(dāng)中的每一員當(dāng)初被運(yùn)到這個(gè)新家的時(shí)候，都天真無(wú)邪，可能還甚感榮幸。只有到后來(lái)你們意識(shí)到自己陷入何種境地時(shí)，你們才驚恐不安。但那個(gè)時(shí)候，一切都為時(shí)已晚了。
如今，沙發(fā)深處的縫隙傳來(lái)痛苦的呻吟聲，與它的彈簧一道抱怨孩子們?cè)谒厦鎭y蹦亂跳，不高興時(shí)還一屁股跌坐在沙發(fā)墊上。在沙發(fā)墊的喘息聲中，我聽(tīng)到含糊不清的訴苦，說(shuō)的是沙發(fā)布料和填充料之間的空隙被汽水、牛奶，還有不少其他我和沙發(fā)都不愿言明的東西浸透，中間還塞滿了被遺忘的玩具和企圖在此藏身的食物碎屑。
海洛薇茲曾暗示說(shuō)，在木制品表面撒下大量氣味濃烈的雪茄煙灰有助于減少汽水罐在其表面留下的圈形污漬所造成的褪色現(xiàn)象。不過(guò)，在我們家，這種建議顯得過(guò)于樂(lè)觀，為此我編織了不少小墊子來(lái)蓋住家具表面的損傷痕跡。
我們家廚房的椅子顯然沒(méi)有受此優(yōu)待，它們被拖來(lái)拖去做代用墊腳凳，或者成為模仿超人“起飛” 的臨時(shí)起跳臺(tái)。我注意到，當(dāng)它們要做的事情不僅僅局限于圍著飯桌擺擺樣子時(shí)，它們總要采取搖晃椅腿的方式進(jìn)行無(wú)聲抗議。
我有一張祖?zhèn)鞯臅?shū)桌，它從前曾相繼在我奶奶和我父母的家里作裝飾之用。不過(guò)，我覺(jué)得它可能并不喜歡自個(gè)兒如今的角色：有人剛把堆在它上面的玩意兒清除干凈，它又開(kāi)始成為一個(gè)新的容納一切的臨時(shí)雜物堆放處。我敢打賭，梳妝臺(tái)的抽屜對(duì)我剛學(xué)步的兒子把它們當(dāng)成臨時(shí)階梯爬上去，以拿到旁邊大衣櫥頂上的東西這種富有創(chuàng)意的做法并不樂(lè)意。我懷疑，大衣櫥對(duì)孩子的這種作法也是不滿的，只是我還沒(méi)聽(tīng)到它抱怨。可能是因?yàn)樗鄠鞒鲎园⒚资踩酥郑曰乇芘c我交流。
還有就是靠著飯廳的墻有一個(gè)印第安納櫥柜。當(dāng)初我把它搬上卡車時(shí)，它并沒(méi)有意識(shí)到它還要再遷居六次，并且經(jīng)歷一次火災(zāi)。在準(zhǔn)備最后一次搬遷時(shí)，我覺(jué)得我看到櫥柜上部神經(jīng)質(zhì)地抽搐了一下。
在起居室的一角，一把搖椅名副其實(shí)地氣得冒煙，因?yàn)樾『⑦�沒(méi)有學(xué)會(huì)自己上廁所而把尿撒在它身上。這可無(wú)助于它與我們的關(guān)系，因?yàn)槲蚁胨粫?huì)忘了曾有一只小狗錯(cuò)把它的椅腿當(dāng)成了用來(lái)嚼咬的玩具。
我仍然很懷念我父親在我上中學(xué)時(shí)給我的書(shū)柜。可是，書(shū)架上常常堆得滿滿的書(shū)把可憐的它給毀了。如今它正與我們家一些過(guò)去的家具一起在天堂的大家具店里安息。
我家里的其他家具也逃脫不了被虐待的厄運(yùn)，即使是少數(shù)幾件豪華家具也不能說(shuō)自己得到了多么好的待遇。因此，在不冒犯床的前提下，我在此一次過(guò)對(duì)家里全體家具道個(gè)歉。
在說(shuō)了這些后，我會(huì)盡量以一些遲到的呵護(hù)來(lái)彌補(bǔ)從前的過(guò)失。我會(huì)去買一些墨菲牌木家具專用清潔劑，再租一部帶有家具裝潢設(shè)備的地毯清洗機(jī)，這樣我就可以替沙發(fā)和椅子們清除掉它們厭惡的一些東西，使他們感到在這個(gè)家里重獲新生并充滿活力。
我想，你們都不曾認(rèn)識(shí)到你們對(duì)我的重要性！沒(méi)有你們，我就沒(méi)有一個(gè)放燈的平臺(tái)以照亮房間，也就不能展示墻上的照片；我就不能在電視機(jī)前有一個(gè)休息的空間供大家聚在一起，看我們喜愛(ài)的電視節(jié)目；我就不會(huì)有一個(gè)可以來(lái)回?fù)u擺、緩和情緒的地方來(lái)減少發(fā)著燒的孩子身體的不適，也不會(huì)有一個(gè)舒適的地方讓我在晚上放松疲憊的筋骨。我也許從來(lái)沒(méi)有表達(dá)過(guò)謝意，但我真的很感激你們對(duì)這個(gè)家所作的可貴而獨(dú)特的貢獻(xiàn)。
你謙恭的
卡羅爾
又：對(duì)了，地毯，因?yàn)槟銥樗械募揖咛峁┝艘粋�(gè)落腳的地方，不用擔(dān)心，我意識(shí)到你自己也承受了不少，所以我會(huì)為你灑下另一罐清潔劑——那可是專門(mén)為你用的啊。
Dear Furniture,
I am writing to apologize for the abuse endured since becoming a part of our family. Each one of you was once innocently naive and, probably, felt ho-nored when loaded for delivery to your new family. Any feelings of 1)trepidation may have only started to appear once realizing what you were getting yourself into and, by then, it was too late.
2)Agonized groans now come deep from 3)recesses of the couch as its 4)springs share complaints about children that bounce and jump across or fling themselves onto its cushions when upset. I heard mumblings, from under the cushions’ breath, about something to do with 5)soda pop, milk, plus a few other things, that both the couch and I may wish to remain unidentified, that have 6)saturated into the fabrics and 7)padding along with the forgotten toys and bits of food that try to hide underneath them.
8)Heloise hints that a liberal, but smelly, sprinkling of cigar ashes on wood surfaces can be helpful in reducing the discoloration resulting from a sweat ring left behind by a soda can. However, in our home that is an over-optimistic thought so I 9)crochet 10)doilies to decoratively cover some of the surface damage.
My kitchen chairs are, apparently, less than appreciative—pulled 11)hither and yon, used as a substitute step stool, or a 12)makeshift launch pad for a pretend Super Hero’s attempt at “flying”. I have noticed their silent 13)retaliation of acting 14)wobbly-legged when asked to do more than reside at the table.
I inherited a library table, that once resided in my grandmother’s and, later, my parents’ home as a decorative piece, but I suspect it may not enjoy its current role as a temporary 15)catchall until someone clears away the clutter for a fresh accumulation to commence. I 16)wager the dresser drawers do not delight in our toddler son’s creativity by using them as makeshift stairs for climbing to reach items stored on top of the nearby 17)armoire. I doubt the armoire is thrilled about the 18)tot’s attention either but I have not heard it complain. Perhaps it is 19)shunning me since it is reportedly 20)Amish made.
Then, along our dining room wall, resides a 21)Hoosier cabinet that did not realize, when I 22)hefted it in the back of a truck, there would be six more moves plus one fire for its memory book. While preparing for the last move, I believe I saw its upper cabinet develop a nervous 23)tic.
In the corner of the living room, a rocking chair sits as it, literally, 24)fumes due to falling victim to a child not quite grasping the concept of 25)Potty Trai-ning. This is not helpful in our relationship since I doubt it has forgotten the time a puppy mistakenly mistook one of its rocker legs for a chew toy.
I still miss the bookcase, that my father gave me during my high school years, but its shelves filled to over-flowing one time too many doomed the poor thing. It now resides at the great furniture store in the sky—along with a couple of other pieces from our past.
With that said, I will try to make amends through providing a bit of overdue 28)pampering. I will buy some Murphy’s Oil Soap for the wood furniture and rent a carpet cleaner with 29)upholstery attachments so the couch and chairs can soak away some of their 30)cares and feel 31)rejuvenated for another round of life within this household.
I do not think you realize just how important you all are to me! Without your presence in my home, I would not have a surface for the lamp that lights up the room and shows off the pictures on my walls. I would not have a resting spot for the TV we 32)congregate around to watch favorite shows together. I would not have had a 33)soothing rocking motion to help ease a fevered child’s discomfort nor a comfortable place to rest my weary bones at night. I may not always show it, but I do appreciate your valuable yet unique contributions to the household.
34)Humbly Yours,
Carol
P.S. And carpeting, since you provide a place for the furniture to rest upon, do not fear! I rea-lize you have endured a bit yourself and so I will spring for another container of cleaning solution—just for you.
親愛(ài)的家具們：
我寫(xiě)這封信是為你們自從來(lái)到我們家后所經(jīng)受的虐待道歉。你們當(dāng)中的每一員當(dāng)初被運(yùn)到這個(gè)新家的時(shí)候，都天真無(wú)邪，可能還甚感榮幸。只有到后來(lái)你們意識(shí)到自己陷入何種境地時(shí)，你們才驚恐不安。但那個(gè)時(shí)候，一切都為時(shí)已晚了。
如今，沙發(fā)深處的縫隙傳來(lái)痛苦的呻吟聲，與它的彈簧一道抱怨孩子們?cè)谒厦鎭y蹦亂跳，不高興時(shí)還一屁股跌坐在沙發(fā)墊上。在沙發(fā)墊的喘息聲中，我聽(tīng)到含糊不清的訴苦，說(shuō)的是沙發(fā)布料和填充料之間的空隙被汽水、牛奶，還有不少其他我和沙發(fā)都不愿言明的東西浸透，中間還塞滿了被遺忘的玩具和企圖在此藏身的食物碎屑。
海洛薇茲曾暗示說(shuō)，在木制品表面撒下大量氣味濃烈的雪茄煙灰有助于減少汽水罐在其表面留下的圈形污漬所造成的褪色現(xiàn)象。不過(guò)，在我們家，這種建議顯得過(guò)于樂(lè)觀，為此我編織了不少小墊子來(lái)蓋住家具表面的損傷痕跡。
我們家廚房的椅子顯然沒(méi)有受此優(yōu)待，它們被拖來(lái)拖去做代用墊腳凳，或者成為模仿超人“起飛” 的臨時(shí)起跳臺(tái)。我注意到，當(dāng)它們要做的事情不僅僅局限于圍著飯桌擺擺樣子時(shí)，它們總要采取搖晃椅腿的方式進(jìn)行無(wú)聲抗議。
我有一張祖?zhèn)鞯臅?shū)桌，它從前曾相繼在我奶奶和我父母的家里作裝飾之用。不過(guò)，我覺(jué)得它可能并不喜歡自個(gè)兒如今的角色：有人剛把堆在它上面的玩意兒清除干凈，它又開(kāi)始成為一個(gè)新的容納一切的臨時(shí)雜物堆放處。我敢打賭，梳妝臺(tái)的抽屜對(duì)我剛學(xué)步的兒子把它們當(dāng)成臨時(shí)階梯爬上去，以拿到旁邊大衣櫥頂上的東西這種富有創(chuàng)意的做法并不樂(lè)意。我懷疑，大衣櫥對(duì)孩子的這種作法也是不滿的，只是我還沒(méi)聽(tīng)到它抱怨。可能是因?yàn)樗鄠鞒鲎园⒚资踩酥郑曰乇芘c我交流。
還有就是靠著飯廳的墻有一個(gè)印第安納櫥柜。當(dāng)初我把它搬上卡車時(shí)，它并沒(méi)有意識(shí)到它還要再遷居六次，并且經(jīng)歷一次火災(zāi)。在準(zhǔn)備最后一次搬遷時(shí)，我覺(jué)得我看到櫥柜上部神經(jīng)質(zhì)地抽搐了一下。
在起居室的一角，一把搖椅名副其實(shí)地氣得冒煙，因?yàn)樾『⑦�沒(méi)有學(xué)會(huì)自己上廁所而把尿撒在它身上。這可無(wú)助于它與我們的關(guān)系，因?yàn)槲蚁胨粫?huì)忘了曾有一只小狗錯(cuò)把它的椅腿當(dāng)成了用來(lái)嚼咬的玩具。
我仍然很懷念我父親在我上中學(xué)時(shí)給我的書(shū)柜。可是，書(shū)架上常常堆得滿滿的書(shū)把可憐的它給毀了。如今它正與我們家一些過(guò)去的家具一起在天堂的大家具店里安息。
我家里的其他家具也逃脫不了被虐待的厄運(yùn)，即使是少數(shù)幾件豪華家具也不能說(shuō)自己得到了多么好的待遇。因此，在不冒犯床的前提下，我在此一次過(guò)對(duì)家里全體家具道個(gè)歉。
在說(shuō)了這些后，我會(huì)盡量以一些遲到的呵護(hù)來(lái)彌補(bǔ)從前的過(guò)失。我會(huì)去買一些墨菲牌木家具專用清潔劑，再租一部帶有家具裝潢設(shè)備的地毯清洗機(jī)，這樣我就可以替沙發(fā)和椅子們清除掉它們厭惡的一些東西，使他們感到在這個(gè)家里重獲新生并充滿活力。
我想，你們都不曾認(rèn)識(shí)到你們對(duì)我的重要性！沒(méi)有你們，我就沒(méi)有一個(gè)放燈的平臺(tái)以照亮房間，也就不能展示墻上的照片；我就不能在電視機(jī)前有一個(gè)休息的空間供大家聚在一起，看我們喜愛(ài)的電視節(jié)目；我就不會(huì)有一個(gè)可以來(lái)回?fù)u擺、緩和情緒的地方來(lái)減少發(fā)著燒的孩子身體的不適，也不會(huì)有一個(gè)舒適的地方讓我在晚上放松疲憊的筋骨。我也許從來(lái)沒(méi)有表達(dá)過(guò)謝意，但我真的很感激你們對(duì)這個(gè)家所作的可貴而獨(dú)特的貢獻(xiàn)。
你謙恭的
卡羅爾
又：對(duì)了，地毯，因?yàn)槟銥樗械募揖咛峁┝艘粋�(gè)落腳的地方，不用擔(dān)心，我意識(shí)到你自己也承受了不少，所以我會(huì)為你灑下另一罐清潔劑——那可是專門(mén)為你用的啊。
Dear Furniture,
I am writing to apologize for the abuse endured since becoming a part of our family. Each one of you was once innocently naive and, probably, felt ho-nored when loaded for delivery to your new family. Any feelings of 1)trepidation may have only started to appear once realizing what you were getting yourself into and, by then, it was too late.
2)Agonized groans now come deep from 3)recesses of the couch as its 4)springs share complaints about children that bounce and jump across or fling themselves onto its cushions when upset. I heard mumblings, from under the cushions’ breath, about something to do with 5)soda pop, milk, plus a few other things, that both the couch and I may wish to remain unidentified, that have 6)saturated into the fabrics and 7)padding along with the forgotten toys and bits of food that try to hide underneath them.
8)Heloise hints that a liberal, but smelly, sprinkling of cigar ashes on wood surfaces can be helpful in reducing the discoloration resulting from a sweat ring left behind by a soda can. However, in our home that is an over-optimistic thought so I 9)crochet 10)doilies to decoratively cover some of the surface damage.
My kitchen chairs are, apparently, less than appreciative—pulled 11)hither and yon, used as a substitute step stool, or a 12)makeshift launch pad for a pretend Super Hero’s attempt at “flying”. I have noticed their silent 13)retaliation of acting 14)wobbly-legged when asked to do more than reside at the table.
I inherited a library table, that once resided in my grandmother’s and, later, my parents’ home as a decorative piece, but I suspect it may not enjoy its current role as a temporary 15)catchall until someone clears away the clutter for a fresh accumulation to commence. I 16)wager the dresser drawers do not delight in our toddler son’s creativity by using them as makeshift stairs for climbing to reach items stored on top of the nearby 17)armoire. I doubt the armoire is thrilled about the 18)tot’s attention either but I have not heard it complain. Perhaps it is 19)shunning me since it is reportedly 20)Amish made.
Then, along our dining room wall, resides a 21)Hoosier cabinet that did not realize, when I 22)hefted it in the back of a truck, there would be six more moves plus one fire for its memory book. While preparing for the last move, I believe I saw its upper cabinet develop a nervous 23)tic.
In the corner of the living room, a rocking chair sits as it, literally, 24)fumes due to falling victim to a child not quite grasping the concept of 25)Potty Trai-ning. This is not helpful in our relationship since I doubt it has forgotten the time a puppy mistakenly mistook one of its rocker legs for a chew toy.
I still miss the bookcase, that my father gave me during my high school years, but its shelves filled to over-flowing one time too many doomed the poor thing. It now resides at the great furniture store in the sky—along with a couple of other pieces from our past.
