Dear Furniture,
I am writing to apologize for the abuse endured since becoming a part of our family. Each one of you was once innocently naive and, probably, felt ho-nored when loaded for delivery to your new family. Any feelings of 1)trepidation may have only started to appear once realizing what you were getting yourself into and, by then, it was too late.
2)Agonized groans now come deep from 3)recesses of the couch as its 4)springs share complaints about children that bounce and jump across or fling themselves onto its cushions when upset. I heard mumblings, from under the cushions’ breath, about something to do with 5)soda pop, milk, plus a few other things, that both the couch and I may wish to remain unidentified, that have 6)saturated into the fabrics and 7)padding along with the forgotten toys and bits of food that try to hide underneath them.
8)Heloise hints that a liberal, but smelly, sprinkling of cigar ashes on wood surfaces can be helpful in reducing the discoloration resulting from a sweat ring left behind by a soda can. However, in our home that is an over-optimistic thought so I 9)crochet 10)doilies to decoratively cover some of the surface damage.
My kitchen chairs are, apparently, less than appreciative—pulled 11)hither and yon, used as a substitute step stool, or a 12)makeshift launch pad for a pretend Super Hero’s attempt at “flying”. I have noticed their silent 13)retaliation of acting 14)wobbly-legged when asked to do more than reside at the table.
I inherited a library table, that once resided in my grandmother’s and, later, my parents’ home as a decorative piece, but I suspect it may not enjoy its current role as a temporary 15)catchall until someone clears away the clutter for a fresh accumulation to commence. I 16)wager the dresser drawers do not delight in our toddler son’s creativity by using them as makeshift stairs for climbing to reach items stored on top of the nearby 17)armoire. I doubt the armoire is thrilled about the 18)tot’s attention either but I have not heard it complain. Perhaps it is 19)shunning me since it is reportedly 20)Amish made.
Then, along our dining room wall, resides a 21)Hoosier cabinet that did not realize, when I 22)hefted it in the back of a truck, there would be six more moves plus one fire for its memory book. While preparing for the last move, I believe I saw its upper cabinet develop a nervous 23)tic.
In the corner of the living room, a rocking chair sits as it, literally, 24)fumes due to falling victim to a child not quite grasping the concept of 25)Potty Trai-ning. This is not helpful in our relationship since I doubt it has forgotten the time a puppy mistakenly mistook one of its rocker legs for a chew toy.
I still miss the bookcase, that my father gave me during my high school years, but its shelves filled to over-flowing one time too many doomed the poor thing. It now resides at the great furniture store in the sky—along with a couple of other pieces from our past.
Other pieces of furniture in my home are not immune to some misuse, even the few 26)regal pieces cannot claim to feeling treated like royalty. Therefore, without offending the bed, this is my 27)blanket apology to all the household furnishings.
With that said, I will try to make amends through providing a bit of overdue 28)pampering. I will buy some Murphy’s Oil Soap for the wood furniture and rent a carpet cleaner with 29)upholstery attachments so the couch and chairs can soak away some of their 30)cares and feel 31)rejuvenated for another round of life within this household.
I do not think you realize just how important you all are to me! Without your presence in my home, I would not have a surface for the lamp that lights up the room and shows off the pictures on my walls. I would not have a resting spot for the TV we 32)congregate around to watch favorite shows together. I would not have had a 33)soothing rocking motion to help ease a fevered child’s discomfort nor a comfortable place to rest my weary bones at night. I may not always show it, but I do appreciate your valuable yet unique contributions to the household.
34)Humbly Yours,
Carol
P.S. And carpeting, since you provide a place for the furniture to rest upon, do not fear! I rea-lize you have endured a bit yourself and so I will spring for another container of cleaning solution—just for you.
親愛的家具們：
我寫這封信是為你們自從來到我們家后所經受的虐待道歉。你們當中的每一員當初被運到這個新家的時候，都天真無邪，可能還甚感榮幸。只有到后來你們意識到自己陷入何種境地時，你們才驚恐不安。但那個時候，一切都為時已晚了。
如今，沙發深處的縫隙傳來痛苦的呻吟聲，與它的彈簧一道抱怨孩子們在它上面亂蹦亂跳，不高興時還一屁股跌坐在沙發墊上。在沙發墊的喘息聲中，我聽到含糊不清的訴苦，說的是沙發布料和填充料之間的空隙被汽水、牛奶，還有不少其他我和沙發都不愿言明的東西浸透，中間還塞滿了被遺忘的玩具和企圖在此藏身的食物碎屑。
海洛薇茲曾暗示說，在木制品表面撒下大量氣味濃烈的雪茄煙灰有助于減少汽水罐在其表面留下的圈形污漬所造成的褪色現象。不過，在我們家，這種建議顯得過于樂觀，為此我編織了不少小墊子來蓋住家具表面的損傷痕跡。
我們家廚房的椅子顯然沒有受此優待，它們被拖來拖去做代用墊腳凳，或者成為模仿超人“起飛” 的臨時起跳臺。我注意到，當它們要做的事情不僅僅局限于圍著飯桌擺擺樣子時，它們總要采取搖晃椅腿的方式進行無聲抗議。
我有一張祖傳的書桌，它從前曾相繼在我奶奶和我父母的家里作裝飾之用。不過，我覺得它可能并不喜歡自個兒如今的角色：有人剛把堆在它上面的玩意兒清除干凈，它又開始成為一個新的容納一切的臨時雜物堆放處。我敢打賭，梳妝臺的抽屜對我剛學步的兒子把它們當成臨時階梯爬上去，以拿到旁邊大衣櫥頂上的東西這種富有創意的做法并不樂意。我懷疑，大衣櫥對孩子的這種作法也是不滿的，只是我還沒聽到它抱怨。可能是因為它相傳出自阿米什人之手，所以回避與我交流。
還有就是靠著飯廳的墻有一個印第安納櫥柜。當初我把它搬上卡車時，它并沒有意識到它還要再遷居六次，并且經歷一次火災。在準備最后一次搬遷時，我覺得我看到櫥柜上部神經質地抽搐了一下。
在起居室的一角，一把搖椅名副其實地氣得冒煙，因為小孩還沒有學會自己上廁所而把尿撒在它身上。這可無助于它與我們的關系，因為我想它不會忘了曾有一只小狗錯把它的椅腿當成了用來嚼咬的玩具。
我仍然很懷念我父親在我上中學時給我的書柜。可是，書架上常常堆得滿滿的書把可憐的它給毀了。如今它正與我們家一些過去的家具一起在天堂的大家具店里安息。
我家里的其他家具也逃脫不了被虐待的厄運，即使是少數幾件豪華家具也不能說自己得到了多么好的待遇。因此，在不冒犯床的前提下，我在此一次過對家里全體家具道個歉。
在說了這些后，我會盡量以一些遲到的呵護來彌補從前的過失。我會去買一些墨菲牌木家具專用清潔劑，再租一部帶有家具裝潢設備的地毯清洗機，這樣我就可以替沙發和椅子們清除掉它們厭惡的一些東西，使他們感到在這個家里重獲新生并充滿活力。
我想，你們都不曾認識到你們對我的重要性！沒有你們，我就沒有一個放燈的平臺以照亮房間，也就不能展示墻上的照片；我就不能在電視機前有一個休息的空間供大家聚在一起，看我們喜愛的電視節目；我就不會有一個可以來回搖擺、緩和情緒的地方來減少發著燒的孩子身體的不適，也不會有一個舒適的地方讓我在晚上放松疲憊的筋骨。我也許從來沒有表達過謝意，但我真的很感激你們對這個家所作的可貴而獨特的貢獻。
你謙恭的
卡羅爾
又：對了，地毯，因為你為所有的家具提供了一個落腳的地方，不用擔心，我意識到你自己也承受了不少，所以我會為你灑下另一罐清潔劑——那可是專門為你用的啊。
I am writing to apologize for the abuse endured since becoming a part of our family. Each one of you was once innocently naive and, probably, felt ho-nored when loaded for delivery to your new family. Any feelings of 1)trepidation may have only started to appear once realizing what you were getting yourself into and, by then, it was too late.
2)Agonized groans now come deep from 3)recesses of the couch as its 4)springs share complaints about children that bounce and jump across or fling themselves onto its cushions when upset. I heard mumblings, from under the cushions’ breath, about something to do with 5)soda pop, milk, plus a few other things, that both the couch and I may wish to remain unidentified, that have 6)saturated into the fabrics and 7)padding along with the forgotten toys and bits of food that try to hide underneath them.
8)Heloise hints that a liberal, but smelly, sprinkling of cigar ashes on wood surfaces can be helpful in reducing the discoloration resulting from a sweat ring left behind by a soda can. However, in our home that is an over-optimistic thought so I 9)crochet 10)doilies to decoratively cover some of the surface damage.
My kitchen chairs are, apparently, less than appreciative—pulled 11)hither and yon, used as a substitute step stool, or a 12)makeshift launch pad for a pretend Super Hero’s attempt at “flying”. I have noticed their silent 13)retaliation of acting 14)wobbly-legged when asked to do more than reside at the table.
I inherited a library table, that once resided in my grandmother’s and, later, my parents’ home as a decorative piece, but I suspect it may not enjoy its current role as a temporary 15)catchall until someone clears away the clutter for a fresh accumulation to commence. I 16)wager the dresser drawers do not delight in our toddler son’s creativity by using them as makeshift stairs for climbing to reach items stored on top of the nearby 17)armoire. I doubt the armoire is thrilled about the 18)tot’s attention either but I have not heard it complain. Perhaps it is 19)shunning me since it is reportedly 20)Amish made.
Then, along our dining room wall, resides a 21)Hoosier cabinet that did not realize, when I 22)hefted it in the back of a truck, there would be six more moves plus one fire for its memory book. While preparing for the last move, I believe I saw its upper cabinet develop a nervous 23)tic.
In the corner of the living room, a rocking chair sits as it, literally, 24)fumes due to falling victim to a child not quite grasping the concept of 25)Potty Trai-ning. This is not helpful in our relationship since I doubt it has forgotten the time a puppy mistakenly mistook one of its rocker legs for a chew toy.
I still miss the bookcase, that my father gave me during my high school years, but its shelves filled to over-flowing one time too many doomed the poor thing. It now resides at the great furniture store in the sky—along with a couple of other pieces from our past.
Other pieces of furniture in my home are not immune to some misuse, even the few 26)regal pieces cannot claim to feeling treated like royalty. Therefore, without offending the bed, this is my 27)blanket apology to all the household furnishings.
With that said, I will try to make amends through providing a bit of overdue 28)pampering. I will buy some Murphy’s Oil Soap for the wood furniture and rent a carpet cleaner with 29)upholstery attachments so the couch and chairs can soak away some of their 30)cares and feel 31)rejuvenated for another round of life within this household.
I do not think you realize just how important you all are to me! Without your presence in my home, I would not have a surface for the lamp that lights up the room and shows off the pictures on my walls. I would not have a resting spot for the TV we 32)congregate around to watch favorite shows together. I would not have had a 33)soothing rocking motion to help ease a fevered child’s discomfort nor a comfortable place to rest my weary bones at night. I may not always show it, but I do appreciate your valuable yet unique contributions to the household.
34)Humbly Yours,
Carol
P.S. And carpeting, since you provide a place for the furniture to rest upon, do not fear! I rea-lize you have endured a bit yourself and so I will spring for another container of cleaning solution—just for you.
親愛的家具們：
我寫這封信是為你們自從來到我們家后所經受的虐待道歉。你們當中的每一員當初被運到這個新家的時候，都天真無邪，可能還甚感榮幸。只有到后來你們意識到自己陷入何種境地時，你們才驚恐不安。但那個時候，一切都為時已晚了。
如今，沙發深處的縫隙傳來痛苦的呻吟聲，與它的彈簧一道抱怨孩子們在它上面亂蹦亂跳，不高興時還一屁股跌坐在沙發墊上。在沙發墊的喘息聲中，我聽到含糊不清的訴苦，說的是沙發布料和填充料之間的空隙被汽水、牛奶，還有不少其他我和沙發都不愿言明的東西浸透，中間還塞滿了被遺忘的玩具和企圖在此藏身的食物碎屑。
海洛薇茲曾暗示說，在木制品表面撒下大量氣味濃烈的雪茄煙灰有助于減少汽水罐在其表面留下的圈形污漬所造成的褪色現象。不過，在我們家，這種建議顯得過于樂觀，為此我編織了不少小墊子來蓋住家具表面的損傷痕跡。
我們家廚房的椅子顯然沒有受此優待，它們被拖來拖去做代用墊腳凳，或者成為模仿超人“起飛” 的臨時起跳臺。我注意到，當它們要做的事情不僅僅局限于圍著飯桌擺擺樣子時，它們總要采取搖晃椅腿的方式進行無聲抗議。
我有一張祖傳的書桌，它從前曾相繼在我奶奶和我父母的家里作裝飾之用。不過，我覺得它可能并不喜歡自個兒如今的角色：有人剛把堆在它上面的玩意兒清除干凈，它又開始成為一個新的容納一切的臨時雜物堆放處。我敢打賭，梳妝臺的抽屜對我剛學步的兒子把它們當成臨時階梯爬上去，以拿到旁邊大衣櫥頂上的東西這種富有創意的做法并不樂意。我懷疑，大衣櫥對孩子的這種作法也是不滿的，只是我還沒聽到它抱怨。可能是因為它相傳出自阿米什人之手，所以回避與我交流。
還有就是靠著飯廳的墻有一個印第安納櫥柜。當初我把它搬上卡車時，它并沒有意識到它還要再遷居六次，并且經歷一次火災。在準備最后一次搬遷時，我覺得我看到櫥柜上部神經質地抽搐了一下。
在起居室的一角，一把搖椅名副其實地氣得冒煙，因為小孩還沒有學會自己上廁所而把尿撒在它身上。這可無助于它與我們的關系，因為我想它不會忘了曾有一只小狗錯把它的椅腿當成了用來嚼咬的玩具。
我仍然很懷念我父親在我上中學時給我的書柜。可是，書架上常常堆得滿滿的書把可憐的它給毀了。如今它正與我們家一些過去的家具一起在天堂的大家具店里安息。
我家里的其他家具也逃脫不了被虐待的厄運，即使是少數幾件豪華家具也不能說自己得到了多么好的待遇。因此，在不冒犯床的前提下，我在此一次過對家里全體家具道個歉。
在說了這些后，我會盡量以一些遲到的呵護來彌補從前的過失。我會去買一些墨菲牌木家具專用清潔劑，再租一部帶有家具裝潢設備的地毯清洗機，這樣我就可以替沙發和椅子們清除掉它們厭惡的一些東西，使他們感到在這個家里重獲新生并充滿活力。
我想，你們都不曾認識到你們對我的重要性！沒有你們，我就沒有一個放燈的平臺以照亮房間，也就不能展示墻上的照片；我就不能在電視機前有一個休息的空間供大家聚在一起，看我們喜愛的電視節目；我就不會有一個可以來回搖擺、緩和情緒的地方來減少發著燒的孩子身體的不適，也不會有一個舒適的地方讓我在晚上放松疲憊的筋骨。我也許從來沒有表達過謝意，但我真的很感激你們對這個家所作的可貴而獨特的貢獻。
你謙恭的
卡羅爾
又：對了，地毯，因為你為所有的家具提供了一個落腳的地方，不用擔心，我意識到你自己也承受了不少，所以我會為你灑下另一罐清潔劑——那可是專門為你用的啊。
